By Mark Mattaini, DSW, ACSW
These research-based tips for families support resilience, reduce risks, and increase protective factors for young people.
Catch ‘Em Being Good.
You get more of what you pay attention to. So when someone in the family does something that you appreciate, including any small positive step in the right direction, let them know that you notice and appreciate it.
Give Recognition.
A little positive note on the refrigerator or on a pillow can be an simple and powerful way to recognize positive behavior.
Discuss Accomplishments.
One very powerful form of recognition, often better than an everyday compliment, is to ask someone to discuss an accomplishment. Asking, “How did you do that?” shows real interest.
Encourage Positive Friendships.
Given the power of peers (for youth and adults), encouraging young people to spend time with people who respect them and whose values match yours and your child’s.
Encourage Youth to Experiment.
Young people who have found a passion — something positive that they really enjoy — are at lower risk for problems, and are more likely to flourish. Kids need opportunities to try a variety of new activities so they can learn where their passions lie.
Show Warmth.
A simple smile when someone comes home, a touch or a hug, produces a flood of neurotransmitters in the brain, which helps create a sense of satisfaction and safety.
No Putdowns.
Insults and hurtful jokes increase levels of stress hormones and interfere with social bonding and learning. Active steps to stop put-downs at home will lead to greatly improved youth outcomes, and a much more pleasant home atmosphere.
Make Your Home a No-Hitting Zone.
The research is clear: The more hitting (spanking, fighting) young people experience, the more involved in antisocial behavior (including violence and dishonesty) they are likely to experience this later in life.
Talk to Young People.
Model how to talk respectfully and honestly. Kids are keen at detecting dishonesty, but respond well to truth.
Listen to Young People.
When youth do talk, it is important to actually listen with respect, and without criticizing. If what a kids says is punished, they will simply stop talking. Respectful disagreement and debate can be fun; just be sure it is truly respectful.
Give Young People Choices.
Youth learn how to make wise choices by practicing, and experiencing the consequences of their choices. So long as it is safe and age-appropriate, letting youth make their own choices is important.
Partner with Teachers.
Youth, parents and guardians, and teachers are all in it together when it comes to education. Work together and get to know each other to form a working team to support kids’ academic goals. Avoid blame on any side, and acknowledge cultural differences where appropriate.
Keep an Adult Eye on Youth.
Research indicates that parental monitoring is highly associated with positive outcomes. Young people who spend a lot of time without adult monitoring are much more likely to be exposed to situations for which they are not yet emotionally prepared.
Include Youth in Decision-Making.
Young people feel more connected to the family if they feel that their views are important and respected. Participating in family decisions gives that message, opens their eyes to life’s realities and the responsibilities of growing up, and gives young people practice in a critical life skill.
Work Together on Projects.
Whether around the house or in your community , working together on projects create richer connections between family members. It also offers young people an opportunity to use their skills in a way that teaches teamwork and solves problems.
Limit Stress in Your Own Life.
When a family member is highly stressed, they tend to be more punitive and to give less emotionally. The effects of stress, therefore, tend to be contagious and ripple through the family.
Demonstrate Effective Problem-Solving.
If young people observe adults solving problems in mature and creative ways, they learn to do the same.
Help Youth Think of Solutions.
It’s tempting to simply tell youth what to do when they experience problems. But we learn more from thinking carefully about the options and the consequences of each. Help guide and listen as they talk it through.
Help Youth Talk it Out.
When young people are involved in conflict, or are emotionally upset, it is important that they learn to talk about their experiences. Help them to put their feelings into words, and learn to talk about the issue calmly with and without others involved in the conflict.
Be Active in Your Community.
A rich network of positive, supportive relationships is important to youth development. The more connected the family is with positive neighborhood and community people, groups, and institutions, the stronger that network will be. Step away from the screens, and join your community on a regular basis.
