By Maureen Price Tillman, LCSW
In 2018, the American College Health Association conducted an anonymous survey of over 26,000 college students in 40 colleges to evaluate their health and behavior. The concerns of many health professionals were borne out in the data: when mental health suffers, so does schoolwork. Stress, anxiety, sleep difficulties and depression are among the leading factors that wreak havoc on academic performance.
Parents do not always know when their college students are suffering.
College students in distress
I’ve spent 18 years counseling students in distress who end up leaving college and returning home in search of stability and support.
I often hear their parents say:
“After he told me how depressed he was, I felt so guilty; I wish I had gone up to visit more.”
“$60,000 later, we had no idea she wasn’t going to classes.”
“We had no idea how depressed she was until she told us she was suicidal.”
“He always got his work done in high school. We were shocked to hear that he wasn’t going to classes. How could this have happened?”
“We didn’t know the depth of the issues until we found out he was on academic probation.”
Isolation, Depression and Anxiety
When the students begin therapy with me, they often discuss how isolated they felt during their struggles at college. These feelings can lead to clinical depression, which can be very dangerous.
Why don’t students tell their parents when they are sinking emotionally and academically?
Surprisingly, even though the quality of the parent-teen relationship is often strong, the students’ sensitivities can get in the way of sharing their challenges.
Deb Cohen, a seasoned psychotherapist at the University of Delaware counseling center, said, “It’s rarely about lack of closeness. Many students don’t tell parents because they care about them worrying about them, also sometimes about judgment: Will they think less of me?”
My experience with students bears that out. A local sophomore who returned home with depression and severe anxiety told me, “I could never disappoint my parents since they are supporting me with this great opportunity.”
Fear of disappointing their parents
Ironically, one of the biggest reasons students don’t share their difficulties is that their parents have always expressed pride in their accomplishments.
“They are afraid of losing that pride, and they can’t cope with the possibility that their parents may be disappointed,” Cohen said. Sometimes students don’t want to add to issues they feel their parents are already having at home, such as marriage, health, employment or other mental health issues in the family.
“It’s not that uncommon for mental health problems to run in families, and when one kid is struggling, a sibling can pick up directly or indirectly from parents how relieved and proud they are that they are doing better,” Cohen explained.
“And sometimes they feel like their unhappiness isn’t very important compared with the more profound problems a sibling has.”
Downward Spiral
Downward spiraling can happen during the college transition.
In college academic life and emotional life often become tied together. The worse students perform academically, the more anxious and depressed they can feel. The more anxious and depressed they feel, the deeper harder it is to perform academically. Or social pressures may lead to anxiety and this in turn may affect academics. In any case, it can be a spiral that is hard to face and climb out of without psychological guidance and academic support.
Also, the stigma, embarrassment, and shame that’s often associated with emotional difficulties and academic failure can accelerate the spiraling, particularly if students are too embarrassed to seek help.
Some may not have historically talked with their parents about personal challenges. They may have managed well themselves or sought support from friends and others in their lives. Reaching out to parents when struggles arise at college may feel strange or uncomfortable.
Even for students who communicated easily with their parents when living at home, it is so easy to hide from parents while away at college, not answering the phone or texting without revealing how they are doing. The longer the student hides, the more difficult it becomes to communicate with their parents.
How parents can help
- Help your children have realistic expectations about the college experience, including the social and academic challenges they are likely to face. Talk openly about inevitable bumps in the road.
- Read books about the college experience.
- Discussing the transition to college with current college students can be helpful to teens and their parents.
- Help your child understand that mental health challenges, including anxiety and depression are normal.
- Know about the professional resources that are available at their college.
- Share with your child any challenges you had in college and how you worked through them.
- Identify obstacles your teen has faced and how they were able to overcome them.
- Discuss the importance of resiliency and .
- Learn about the difference between academic life in high school and college and be realistic about what skills and workload are involved.
- Reinforce many times that they can come to you about anything and that you will listen and help them figure out solutions.
Start the conversation
If in the past it’s been difficult for your teen to talk about emotional issues, then it’s crucial to begin a different style of communication the summer before they leave.
Practice on topics that aren’t hot-button issues, like concerns they have about living with a roommate or which electives to choose. Always express confidence that they are capable of figuring it out.
Cohen also says parents and students need to understand that an A or B in college may reflect different things at different colleges and that college is more academically challenging than high school.
It’s not always easy, but parents must learn to listen without judgment. Be careful not to say anything that makes their child feel criticized. Stay calm and take a breather before you start the conversation.
A student’s fantasy of starting over, being a different person and no longer requiring extra support needs to be faced realistically. Explore counseling, tutoring, and coaching services together before beginning college. If they have had these types of support in high school, definitely replicate it in their freshman year in college.
Encouraging discussion on all these topics and becoming knowledgeable about college resources can make all the difference in the emotional, social, and academic transition.
The Jed foundation has a variety of excellent resources, check out their transition guide, Set to Go.
Grown & Flown Articles
- Important New Guidelines on Depression: Teens Need to be Screened Every Year
- How to Find a Therapist in College: What Parents Need to Know
- Therapy Helped Me Let My Teen Son Go So I Could Hold Him Close
Maureen Price Tillman, LCSW received her masters in social work from the University of Pennsylvania. She has practiced as an adolescent and adult psychotherapist in New Jersey for 40 years. Maureen created College with Confidence 15 years ago when she saw an increase in students who had a crisis in college and needed to return home. The students were devastated and the parents were confused and extremely worried. Maureen decided to create a proactive college transition service for high school students, as well as help college students become emotionally stable and resilient and decide on the best path moving forward. Maureen has been published on Huffington Post and has a private practice in Maplewood, New Jersey and with today’s technology she is able to consult around the globe.
Reprinted with permission GrownandFlown.com©
