By Julie Niven, MSW, LCSW, DCSW
“Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new.”– Albert Einstein
Mistakes are inevitable. We can’t always know what we want and get it right the first time. Sometimes we have to learn from our mistakes and correct the direction of our lives, the way a sailor adjusts the sails when a ship gets off course.
We are bound to mess up once in a while. Forgiving ourselves when we make mistakes is a choice that frees our minds and relieves stress in our lives.
Forgive Yourself
Many of us treat our family, friends, even our pets better than we treat ourselves!
Berating ourselves and beating ourselves up only adds to our stress. A good way to deal with yourself when you’ve made a mistake is to treat yourself as you would treat your best friend in a similar situation. Would you further humiliate him or her with shaming words, or would you speak kindly and offer some encouragement?
Forgiving Others
Some people vow never to forgive an insult, a slight, or a hurt borne out of a misunderstanding. But holding onto anger and hurt can keep us from the peace and happiness forgiveness can bring.
Focusing on the negatives can block out the positive possibilities in daily life. Forgiveness can reset our mental focus.
Emotional and Intellectual
Forgiveness is both an intellectual and emotional action. Sometimes we decide that we want to forgive something that’s been done to us, but our hearts won’t or can’t let go of whatever is bothering us. Holding onto anger and being unable to forgive can cause physical as well as psychological pain. Practicing forgiveness has been linked to lower blood pressure, lower cholesterol levels, and lower levels of stress hormones in our bloodstream. Emotions truly have a physical component to them. Not being able or willing to forgive has been linked to depression, chronic anger, anxiety and guilt. When we are unable to forgive, we may feel out of balance. Perhaps our sleep is disrupted or our head, shoulders, and back feel achy.
Write a Letter You Never Send
One way to work towards forgiveness is to talk out our feelings. This does not have to be done out loud. Writing a letter that we never intend to mail can provide a safe avenue through which to express feelings of sadness, anger, grief, and shame that we may not want to share with even our closest friend. Writing our thoughts down freely, knowing that we will not be judged for what we write is a cleansing exercise. Whether we are the one who made the mistake and now feels bad about it, or the one who is suffering someone else’s mistake, writing out our feelings can help clear a path to forgiveness for us.
Spiritual Practice
All spiritual teachings have within them the principal of forgiveness and its importance in our lives. In the Christian New Testament, forgiveness is seen as an obligation and something to be repeated again and again. In Buddhism, forgiveness is a necessary action to prevent harmful emotions from causing mental disturbance. In Islam, forgiveness is combination of Allah’s grace and the believer’s good works. In Judaism, forgiveness is mandated if someone sincerely apologizes for his or her transgression. In Hinduism, the ability to forgive is viewed as a personal strength.
Most of us are familiar with The Serenity Prayer: “God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.” This prayer can be helpful when we wish to forgive ourselves or others. It can be posted somewhere that we will see it, spoken aloud, or chanted silently. And the word “God” at the beginning of the prayer can be replaced with whatever we call our Higher Power.
Positive Self-Talk
Sometimes when we are upset, our minds fasten on the pain we feel, and we lose focus on other important things going on in our lives. Ruminating on painful thoughts is very stressful and can rob us of new joy. When we find ourselves going over the same thing in our minds again and again, it can be helpful to practice a simple thought-stopping technique. Tell yourself (silently or out loud) “I’m not going to think about (whatever the problem is) anymore today.” This technique takes practice to perfect. Repeating it every time the unwanted thought comes into our minds can bring us relief and help us on our journey towards forgiveness.
Serving Others
Sometimes when we are feeling stressed, we can refocus our attention and feel better by helping someone in need. Serving others can provide a shift in our thinking and give us respite from internal hurts. We give ourselves a gift of sorts when we reach out to help another. It’s harder to focus on anger and sadness when we are feeling good about ourselves for something we did to make someone else’s life a little easier. Small acts of kindness are stress relievers and can aid us in our forgiveness work.
Taking Care of Our Bodies
It is always important to exercise, eat right and get enough rest. When we are under stress it is even more important. Stress takes a toll on our immune system. Making the extra effort to take care of ourselves helps us fight off illness and keeps our thought processes from bogging down. When we are stressed, we tend to breath shallowly. Directing our minds to focus on breathing deeply can help us live healthier, calm lives.
Seeking Help
These are only a few suggestions to help in our forgiveness of ourselves and others. Seek other answers elsewhere – from friends, family, a spiritual leader, advisor, books, lectures, etc. Give yourself time to work through difficult emotions and be gentle with yourself.
The Bottom Line
Forgiveness is a gift we can give ourselves as well as others. Just as our anger and hurt only enslave the one who feels them, releasing these emotions frees each of us to move forward more happily. Forgiving ourselves and others is worth the effort it takes to do so and can reduce overall stress in our lives.
