Introduction
Emotional upheaval comes with the territory when single parents or same sex partners separate or parents divorce. Implementing responsible parenting guidelines under all circumstances can help to minimize the depth and, sometimes, lifelong lasting affect of such upheaval on an only child or siblings who find themselves on a seemingly endless emotional roller coaster ride.
Children who find themselves unwittingly placed into the foster care system may experience an even deeper sense of loss and confusion. Also at higher risk are those who may be transitioning through the legal labyrinth of possible reunification with biological parents, other family members or process of adoption.
Although a separation or divorce decree may sever the relationship between adults, it does not absolve either party from being a responsible parent, in most cases. No child should be collateral damage in a failed relationship. Responsible parenting guidelines can provide a positive neutral ground from which all parties can operate, even if they would rather not.
In a perfect world, the ability to communicate, compromise, be flexible, practice tolerance, show restraint, and be objective and fair-minded would be second nature, even in the face of adversity. However, we do not live in a perfect world and so it is of the utmost importance that parents, partners and other caregivers re-evaluate, review and improve how they communicate, if only for the sake of a child.
Responsible parenting is not always easy in the best of circumstances. The following provides guidelines and explores the attitudes and behaviors that can make for successful and responsible parenting in any situation, when the wellbeing of the children is the only goal.
Obstacles to Responsible Parenting
Resentment, selfishness and refusal to compromise are the three biggest obstacles to responsible parenting. Examples of how these manifest are many and include:
- The need to be right – No one is right all the time; cooperation is key. Rigidity and narrow-mindedness can only serve to keep parents/estranged partners at odds with each other with no benefit to the child.
- Putting the child in the middle – When a child is used as a buffer, the stress can set up a middle child syndrome, where the adults become the other children in this dynamic. A child’s self-esteem can take a fatal hit.
- Assuming “ownership” of the child – Attempting to control another person by assuming control of the child will never have a positive outcome for anyone involved. Be flexible!
- Competition – The tendency to compete for “favorite parent” status can create unhealthy expectations in children which can lead to manipulation by the child.
Where there is no desire or intention to cooperate, responsible parenting guidelines cannot be achieved. It is important to remember that many times the parent who is the most generous with their behavior is the one who most often obtains the greatest benefit in the long run.
A majority of couples enter into crises mode when their agreement, made in good times and which should be in existence after a separation, is not adhered to. Cases in which parents decide to hire attorneys to represent them can deplete their life savings. They may even reach a point where all objectivity is lost beyond the antagonistic attitude with each other, rendering them powerless to protect their children’s mental, physical and spiritual health.
Counseling
The willingness to seek guidance from a neutral professional can go a long way toward developing a positive working relationship and strategy for handling issues as they come up among all involved. Counseling can help to forge respect between parties, thereby reducing arguments, petty conflict and in-fighting.
Parents are often court ordered to session with a counselor or therapist who can assist them in reaching some agreement. These parents can become so overwhelmed with the legal issues of separation, their own emotional upheaval and the material fighting over objects that they forget the basics of parenting.
In that case, the counselor’s task is to work with the parents on developing or re-developing the responsible parenting skills 101 needed to assist them in accomplishing their parental role effectively.
Some of the key issues are:
- Acceptance of shared parental responsibility among biological parents, step parents, partners and foster parents and agreement to behave in the children’s best interest.
- Understanding that children, if they wish, have a right to maintain a positive and loving relationship with other parental figures, be they foster parents, step parents or grandparents. Each has the obligation of supporting that relationship, despite any difficulties which may exist.
- Recognizing an obligation to foster a meaningful relationship with the other parent for the sake of the child.
- Making an agreement to never speak negatively or make derogatory remarks about the other in the presence of the children.
- Being responsible for their time commitment to their children. The other parent should not interfere.Engaging in appropriate behavior on the telephone without harassing the other parent or the children.
- Not questioning children regarding another parent or guardian’s personal life.
- Communicating directly with each other and not using a child as a go-between or messenger regarding legal or educational money issues.
- Avoiding the expression of negative attitudes or concerns about the other parent while a transfer is taking place from one to the other.
- The deliberate scheduling of activities which conflict with the arranged time to be spent with the other parent.
- A plan for sharing medical and educational decisions.
- Building on the strengths of the individuals, not only on the challenges they are facing.
- Conducting a co-parenting intervention to bring all issues out into the open.
These recommendations can be forgotten or totally disregarded even by couples who live together. They are more difficult to remember and comply with in the face of a separation, divorce or termination of a partnership. Counseling can be an invaluable tool in finding a balance during such times.
Conclusion
Setting responsible parenting guidelines and boundaries can lead to new opportunities to creatively make shared decisions for the health and wellbeing of children in the context of transitioning relationships.
Counseling can have a lasting positive affect on all parties in rebuilding communication, trust and an environment where parents can reconnect to meet the needs of their children for the best possible outcome in the long run.
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