By Ellen Craine, JD, LMSW, ACSW
Are you considering divorce? Are you in the process of a divorce? Would you like to have more control over your divorce and have it be “friendly”? Is divorce bankrupting you? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then divorce mediation may be the answer.
Divorce mediation takes the fighting out of the process of a traditional divorce. A mediator is a neutral third party who helps couples resolve their issues These issues can include parenting time, property issues, and child support. Through mediation, the resolution of the issues involved in the divorce is in the power and control of the parties and not in the hands of judges.
The Mediation Process
Initially, the parties meet together in the mediator’s office to identify and resolve issues. By the end of the process, the issues are resolved and the mediation agreement becomes incorporated into the final divorce decree.
Sometimes, a conflict will arise that cannot be resolved with the parties in the same room. When this occurs, the mediator can meet with each party separately and attempt to get the issue resolved so the process can continue. Since private mediation is voluntary, the parties may decide to stop the mediation process at any time should an issue come up that cannot be resolved. In addition, it is important to keep in mind that mediation is most successful when both parties want to resolve the issues in the divorce in a “friendly” manner.
The Need for an Attorney
However, each party still needs to hire their own attorney. A mediator cannot give legal advice, and sometimes legal advice is needed. Only a licensed attorney can give legal advice.
Your attorney will file the initial complaint for divorce, or any other documents, and participate in all court appearances. It is also possible for parties to represent themselves in court, but it is not recommended when there are property issues and/or issues involving parenting time.
Similarly, a mediator is not a therapist for the parties therefore, he/she does not counsel them in the traditional sense. What the mediator can do is make a suggestion that one, or both, of the parties might benefit from some counseling if it seems that it would be helpful to the facilitation of the mediation process or the healing process.
The Best Interest of Children
Divorce is a very painful process whether you are the one who wants it, or not. One of the biggest struggles is to keep the emotions out of doing what is best for everyone involved in the divorce – specially any children that may be involved. Furthermore, when children are involved, the focus of mediating parenting time should be based on what is in the “best interest of the child(ren)”.
In the State of Michigan, for example, the “best interest of the child” is the standard that Courts are supposed to use when determining any matter that involves custody or visitation. When parties mediating parenting time keep this standard in mind, they are usually able to come up with an agreement much easier.
In addition, a mediator is not performing an evaluation for the purpose of making a recommendation to the court regarding parenting time. However, if the parties cannot agree how parenting time will be divided, the mediator may make a recommendation for an independent evaluation. Remember, the mediator is supposed to be a neutral third party .Therefore, a mediator cannot be called as a witness for either party to the divorce.
The Costs of Mediation
Another advantage to mediation is that it is cost effective for the parties involved. Most mediations usually last an average of 6-8, two hour sessions. There may be additional fees for phone calls, letters, or time reviewing documents. Mediation costs an average of $3,000 depending on the complexity of the issues. These costs can be shared by the parties instead of there being two separate fees thereby making mediation cheaper than going through the traditional divorce process.
Suggested Reading
The following is a list of books about divorce, mediation, negotiation, custody, children’s response to divorce, and parenting decisions. Please note that this list is not exhaustive. There are many good books to help adults and children cope with divorce. Many of these books, and others, are available at local libraries or bookstores.
- Adler, R. Sharing the Children
- Brown, L. K., and Brown, M. Dinosaurs Divorce: A Guide for Changing Families
- DeFrain, J., and Elmen, J. On Our Own
- Dinkmeyer, D. New Beginnings: Skills for Single Parents and Stepfamily
- Edelman, J. The Tao of Negotiation
- Galper, M. Joint Custody and Co-Parenting: Sharing Your Child Equally
- Gardner, R.A. The Boys and Girls Book About Divorce
- Lovenheim, P. Mediate, Don’t Litigate
- Trafford, A. Crazy Times: Surviving Divorce
- Wallerstein, J., and Kelly, J. Surviving the Breakup: How Children and Parents Cope with Divorce
- Ware, C. Sharing Parenthood After Divorce: An Enlightened Custody Guide for Mothers, Fathers, and Kids
- Woolley, P. The Custody Handbook
Ellen Craine is a social worker and a divorce and family mediator, parenting coordinator, social worker and co-parenting effectiveness educator working in Michigan.
