By Carol Juergensen Sheets, MSW, ACSW
Is there a relationship in your life that you would consider toxic? Toxic relationships are volatile, angry and abusive. They hurt you and can be so unpredictable that they leave you feeling as if you did something wrong. Many of my clients in toxic relationships feel as if they’ve just finished emotional combat. They feel dazed, hurt, and confused.
The Angry Daughter
I recently met with a woman who was pained by her daughter’s estrangement. She came in wondering what she had done to deserve the venom her daughter spewed at her. She said that her daughter was angry because she wouldn’t give her a family heirloom. Her daughter said that her mother “owed her” the antique. When my client gave it to another relative, her daughter expected her mother to compensate her monetarily.
My client was confused, wondering if indeed she owed her daughter compensation. Although she stated that they had never discussed this arrangement, her daughter was so angry about it that it made her doubt her own sense of reality. She felt anguished about her decision.
But as she described her daughter, it was apparent that this daughter had a history of frequent rampages, emotionally unpredictability, and verbal attacks.
Frequent Mood Swings
Toxic people change moods and demeanor in a very short time. They have a distorted perception of reality, most often feeling a great sense of entitlement. They frequently deny any wrongdoing. And while they relate to others in a hostile and abusive manner, they believe their behavior is warranted.
So my client would never be able to please her daughter. She needed to recognize that her daughter had an illness that would make having a healthy relationship with her most unlikely. Although I had never diagnosed the daughter, I suspected that her daughter had a mental illness or personality disorder.
Hostile and abusive people who have violent mood swings and misperceive reality typically have an illness that is not going to get better by itself. It would not matter how my client had reacted; she could never her daughter’s toxic behavior.
When my client realized that her loved one might possibly be suffering from a mental illness or personality disorder, she realizes that she could do very little to change the relationship. Her job is to take care of herself. It took the power out of her daughter’s words and actions. She no longer took things personally in this toxic relationship.
My client needed to educate herself about personality disorders and mental illness. She needed to seek out assistance from groups who felt similar pain. She might even benefit from groups like NAMI, the National Alliance for the Mentally Ill. This client followed my instructions and while she does not condone her daughter’s behavior, she understands it better and takes it less personally.
My client needed to detach with love. This means minimal contact with that person for the sanity of the healthy party. This can be terribly difficult if there are children or grandchildren involved with whom you desire to maintain a relationship.
Seeing Reality
Most people have at least one person in their life that could be considered toxic. If you have a history with someone who is impossible to please and despite all your good intentions continues to harass you for not being good enough to them you might want to educate yourself about mental illness and personality disorders.
Researching to gain greater insight will help to empower you. Seeking out an evaluation at your local mental health center can also provide you with coping skills to offset the negativity.
Regardless, you have to learn to let go of the relationship that you want with this person and accept it for what it actually is. Although no one can diagnose a person based on hearsay alone, skilled professionals can help you deal with erratic behavior that is angry, hostile and judgmental. Sometimes, your best option is to cut ties with that person.
