By Gina Sangster Hayman, LICSW
Introduction
Ms. Gina Sangster Hayman, LICSW, is a 1986 graduate of the National Catholic School of Social Service. For eleven years she worked as a psychotherapist and counselor in Northern Virginia. Since 1999 she has been employed with DC Child and Family Services in the foster and adoption training unit, currently as a supervisor. Ms. Sangster Hayman is a participant in the New Directions writing program with the Washington Psychoanalytic Center.
Ms. Sangster Hayman is a Washington, DC native, divorced parent of three children ages 25, 21and 12. In addition, to her social work credentials, she earned a MFA in creative writing from Columbia University.
Q. What can I do on a daily/weekly/monthly basis to balance work and family life?
I don’t know where I first heard the saying, “On your death bed, no one ever says they wish they’d spent more time in the office.” I recall this sardonic comment when I’m looking at my own or others’ struggles to take care of self, family and job responsibilities. All too often, we wait for vacations that may never come or come around only once a year, rather than carving out small chunks of time as part of our regular routine.
In my first social work job with Northern Virginia Family Service twenty years ago, I started late and worked late, as many of us do. When I explained my schedule to my mother, she suggested I could spend time in the morning cooking. Though I like to cook, my plan was to get out and exercise during those morning hours, either walking, jogging or participating in a class. By taking care of myself in this way I knew I’d be a better spouse, better mom and feel better about myself.
I have continued this practice in various job locations, from a private practice setting in Woodbridge, Virginia to George Washington University Hospital Center and now in my current position with the Child and Family Services Agency. No matter what my working hours are, I find ways to create time for self and family. This may mean taking a lunch-hour class at a nearby gym, going for a walk or sitting outside with a book. Even a few minutes of down-time can make all the difference in your mood at work and at home.
In two-parent families with children, adults often get stuck in living by the “to-do” list. Time is spent tackling household tasks or dividing up parenting responsibilities. Couples therapists might have empty appointment books if more couples would focus more attention on each other. Kids also can be over-scheduled with little time to let their imaginations be their guide. This isn’t to suggest abandoning the yard work, the grocery shopping or a child’s soccer game, but putting each other on the “to-do” list as an equal priority. Otherwise the essential nurturing function of the family unit falls by the wayside.
Q. What can supervisors/managers do to help staff (and themselves) balance work and family life?
As a supervisory social worker, I feel it is part of my responsibility to pay attention to how the social workers in my group are taking care of themselves. We are no good to the families we serve – or to our own families – if we are feeling overwhelmed and burned out. I recognize there are many job functions – particularly in abuse and neglect investigations or treating the chronically mentally ill – in which crises and long hours are more the norm than the exception. But even in these crisis-driven settings, I believe supervisors can maintain an attitude of compassion with regard to the social workers’ need for personal time.
If I know that a social worker has been putting in long hours, including nights and weekends, I might suggest that she leave early one day without submitting an official leave request. By this small gesture of understanding, a supervisor encourages self-care, acknowledges the hard work being done and adds to the overall feeling of nurturing and support in the job setting. I am not suggesting that we promote negligence with regard to agency rules and regulations, but an occasional gift of time can mean a lot.
Supervisors and managers also need to practice what we preach. If we’re looking haggard, working late every night and letting our own kids order pizza at home alone, those who look to us for guidance are less likely to strive for a better balance in their own lives. The social workers I supervise know that I exercise regularly and though I keep chocolate in my desk drawer, try to maintain a reasonable diet. I don’t come to work sick and they know they can call me when they’re not feeling well and be encouraged to stay home.
I keep my eye on productivity and quality, maintaining a high standard for the written work we produce and the customer service we provide, while at the same time encouraging care of self and family. Some time ago, one of the social workers I supervised shared with me that her husband was between jobs and was doing some home repair work in the meantime. Because of the hours she was working and their child-care schedule, she didn’t see how he could return the following day to finish a job he had started. I told her to take work home the next day, allowing him to complete the job and lessening the stress between them in an already stressful situation. The quantity and quality of her work would not suffer as a result of one day away from the office.
Unfortunately, I think some supervisors mistake a rigid adherence to rules for intelligent management. I have found that morale and commitment to the work remain high among social workers I supervise – even in times of stress – at least in part because they know I will support them in taking time for themselves and their families.
Q. How do I avoid the “no time” trap?
I believe the only way we can have time to devote to ourselves and our families in the midst of demanding work is to take the time. This requires a mental shift and an attitude adjustment. We have to rid ourselves of “either-or” thinking and expand our awareness to include increments of change. Take a mental health day once in awhile, surprising your children with a home-cooked meal in the middle of the week because you’ve had the day to yourself. Don’t just tell a friend “Let’s do lunch,” but follow through on the invitation and don’t let yourself cancel because you’re “too busy.”
I was reminded of this recently while attending the funeral service of a well-known banker in the Capitol Hill community. He died suddenly at the age of 62 and everyone who spoke at the service lauded his devotion to family. Though he had spent a lifetime maintaining and building his business, he had taken time to watch birds, study Shakespeare and hike in the woods with his children and grandchildren. His death at what is now considered a relatively young age also reminded me of the importance of living each day to the fullest. Don’t wait until retirement or that one vacation at the end of the summer: grab a moment, an hour, a day and call home, call a friend, spend time with someone you love. The work will be there when you return.
