By David Sternberg, LICSW
Recently several women in their 20s have come to see me because of their troubling relationships with their mothers. These women are smart, ambitious, and otherwise successful in their careers and intimate relationships. But when it comes to their mothers, they haven’t developed the skills necessary to maintain healthy boundaries. Because of that, these young women enter therapy depressed, anxious, or both.
The mother-daughter relationship is complicated, particularly as the daughter becomes an adult. Since mothers often see their daughters as mirrors of themselves, they can be quick to point out their daughters’ flaws, damaging their self-esteem.
For their part, daughters can feel conflicted between pleasing their mothers, for whom they may feel a sense of obligation. In addition, adult daughters, more so than sons, tend to take on the responsibility of maintaining family harmony, which means they sometimes edit their feelings, or stifle them altogether.
Carrie’s Story
“Carrie” (not her real name), 29, is an example of a woman with a painful relationship with her mother. Carrie likes her job and she has a stable relationship with her boyfriend of two years. But nearly every time she gets off the phone with her mother she feels anxious; she had four panic attacks in the two weeks prior to seeing me.
Carrie’s mother tends to either make judgmental comments about Carrie’s appearance or activities, or make gaslighting statements, such as “You know, I didn’t really mean that. You’re taking it the wrong way.”
Carrie feels hurt and manipulated by her mother. The few times Carrie has expressed anger or frustration at her mother, her mother has reacted poorly – hanging up the phone or refusing to speak to Carrie for several days. Scared that she will lose her mother’s love and feeling guilty for her mother’s pain, Carrie apologizes after these interactions. Later, she feels even worse because she’s always the one initiating reconciliation.
Creating Better Boundaries
As a way to develop better boundaries with her mother, Carrie and I have focused on three main points:
1. Carrie is not responsible for her mother’s (or for anyone else’s) feelings.
Carrie didn’t “make” her mother angry; her mother chose to respond that way. There’s nothing for Carrie to apologize for. Carrie has a right to express herself honestly and tactfully.
2. You’re allowed to be assertive.
That means being polite and respectful, but also firm in getting your needs met. It also means owning your feelings and not blaming another person. It’s important for Carrie to make “I” statements, for example: “When you tell me I look fat in that dress, I feel belittled and hurt.”
3. There is no “perfect” way to say something.
Carrie sometimes avoids confrontations with her mother when she feels she can’t find the exact words to express a thought or feeling. The message is more important than the language.
In our brief time together, Carrie worked hard at building healthier boundaries with her mother. She’s more assertive and she no longer rushes to apologize after an argument. And, as Carrie is happy to report, she hasn’t had a panic attack since starting therapy.
David Sternberg, LICSW, is founder and director of DC Talk Therapy. He provides individual counseling to adults of all ages, with a special interest in working with young adults.
