By Rebecca Cline, MSW, LISW
Are you experiencing domestic violence or interpersonal partner abuse? Here’s how to spot the signs.
Typical Behavior of People Experiencing Abuse
You overcompensate
You may take on more than your share of the household responsibilities. You may have a high need to succeed and please your abuser. Without even realizing it, you may spend a lot of time and energy trying not to ensure that the abuser doesn’t get angry.
You feel powerless
You may feel as though you have no control over your life. You may be immobilized by fear and feel that you have to take it. You base your decisions about family, friends, and activities on how the abuser will react.
You feel guilty or ashamed
You may feel guilty over failure of a marriage or relationship. This is often reinforced by the abuser who blames the victim for all that goes wrong. Guilt over failure may be accompanied by shame for putting up with the abuse.
Hoping against hope
You keep hoping that the abuser’s behavior will change for the better. Others may try to intervene and tell you that you do not deserve to be treated this way, but you continue to hope for the best.
It’s happened before
Many people who experience abuse were abused earlier in their lives, whether inside or outside of the family. Many also had mothers who were abused by their partners.
Decreased self-esteem
You may underestimate your own abilities and worth. Your self-esteem is likely to be eroded over time by constant criticism from the abuser, who uses insidious comments or outright put-downs to belittle you.
Who am I?
You may lack a firm sense of yourself. You may feel incomplete without a partner. You may become strongly dependent on your role as a partner, wife, or mother to feel whole.
Passive or dependent behavior
You may accept a traditional feminine role, often to an exaggerated degree. Your may be financially dependent on the abuser, which can increase your feelings of helplessness as the abuse continues.
You blame yourself
The abuser blames you, and over time you may begin to believe them. You may accept responsibility for the abuser’s actions. Your anger at your abuser is turned inward towards yourself, resulting in guilt or depression.
Fear and denial
You may fear the abuser’s anger, but you may also deny and minimize your fear. These are common coping strategies for surviving abuse.
Stress
You may experience physical reactions to stress, such as headaches, stomachaches, or sleeplessness.
Social isolation
You may be isolated from family, friends, neighbors, and other forms of support. The abuser may criticize and blame family and friends. They may ask you to choose between them and family members, or start a campaign to turn other people against you.
Determination and bravery
You lean into your identity as a strong person. You put on a brave face and try not let friends and family know that you are hurting.
Typical Abuser Behavior
An abuser may have some or all of the following characteristics:
Social isolation
A very common abusive behavior is to isolate you from your circle of support. The abuser knows that when you don’t have friends and family to talk to, it’s easier to manipulate and control you.
Dual personalities
Abusers are often described as having a “Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde” personality. They may appear to be mild-mannered outside the home. But their attitude and behavior can change dramatically behind closed doors. An abuser may appear to be remorseful sometimes, but this is just another means of manipulating your feelings.
Jealousy
An abuser may accuse you of being unfaithful without any rational reason or evidence. This puts you on the defensive. An abuser may express jealousy as a means of preventing you from having meaningful relationships with others, including friends, family members, or even pets.
Controlling and possessive behavior
An abuser may want to control your access to money, friendships, or work outside the home. They may monitor your activities. Abusers may hold others, especially you, to unrealistically high expectations. An abuser may treat you as a possession and may use force during sex.
Emotional dependency
An abuser may be emotionally dependent on you and may make constant demands for reassurance. An abuser may be hypersensitive and interpret any small comment as criticism.
Poor self-esteem: An abuser may feel inadequate about a variety of things, including (but not limited to) masculinity, sexuality, providing for the family, and parenting. These feelings may be masked by an extremely tough or “macho” image.
Rigid gender roles
Abusers tend to enforce rigid gender roles that discourage women and femmes from earning money outside the home or enforce a “father knows best” mentality.
Blame
Abusers don’t take responsibility for their actions. Instead, they tend to blame you, other people or external circumstances for their behavior.
Abusive history
A high proportion of abusers experienced abuse as children or witnessed abuse between their parents. This does not excuse their actions.
Unpredictability
Abusers’ actions may be unpredictable. You might feel like you never know what the abuser will do next.
Cruelty
Abusers may be cruel not only to you but to children and animals as well. They may be preoccupied with violence, guns, knives, etc.
Using anger as a tool
Abusers may use anger as a tool to get what they want. They may use verbal abuse, non-consensual touch, threats of violence, and breaking objects you value.
Get Help
For anonymous, confidential help, 24/7, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-7233, or visit ncadv.org.
The opinions expressed in this article are those of the writer, and do not necessarily reflect those of the National Association of Social Workers or its members.
