By Lynn Purnell Hagan, PsyD, LCSW
Caregiver stress has been widely publicized and studied. Many times, one might think that the stress of caregiving is lifted once the loved one has died. However, the risks to the caregiver can often carry on long after their loved one’s death.
Death brings finality and shock – no matter how well prepared one might be. All death is sudden, even when it is anticipated. For those who have provided care for the loved one for years – through illness and health – the shock and loss can sometimes be overwhelming. The loss often goes far beyond the actual death as well. Losses can relate to finances and income, home and living arrangements, a major change in living patterns and the consuming role of caregiver, which becomes void when the role is no longer needed. All these changes contribute to the feelings of depression and grief that follows.
Overwhelmed by Loss
But what happens when the former caregiver becomes so overwhelmed with the losses that he or she begins to suffer from major depression and threat of suicide? Often times, so much focus is on the person who is ill, that when death finally comes, many see it as a relief and the freeing of the caregiver from the demands of the illness. The enormity of the loss is sometimes overlooked or underestimated.
At this time, it is likely that the former caregiver is experiencing a profound loss of purpose and identity, much like that of “empty nest syndrome”. These caregivers suddenly find themselves in the midst of changing roles and responsibilities. No longer are they the caregiver, but rather the survivor, the one whom now can “get on with their life” as if all those years can be erased by this single event.
Common Responses to Loss
Feeling sad and lonely are part of the grieving process. Physical symptoms such as exhaustion, loss or increase of appetite, insomnia, tightness in the chest, shortness of breath and dizziness may arise.
Some of your emotional responses may include:
- numbness
- shock
- anxiety
- guilt
- anger
- depression
- irritability
- difficulty concentrating
- feelings of worthlessness
These feelings are difficult but natural. However, if these symptoms become severe and seem to interfere with daily life, or if the former caregiver expresses thoughts or plans of suicide or expresses thoughts of death, it may be time to pay closer attention to what may be happening.
Don’t ignore the signs
Friends or family members may be the first to see signs of trouble. Ignoring these signs, and hoping that they fade, is not a good option.What should friends and families of former caregivers do instead?
Listen without judgment.
Listen, but do not lecture. Accept what is said and take it very seriously. Individuals may use various terms or express themselves in muddled ways, about taking their own life, such as “I wish I could go to sleep and never wake up,” or “I want to see my mother again,” “The family would be better off without me,” or “I can’t live any longer without…”.
See beyond the mask.
Sometimes surviving caregivers may show a happy face to others, and mask their anxiety, depression, and loneliness. They may not want others to know how lost and vulnerable they are. For loved ones, be attentive and check on these survivors with care, compassion, and offer to listen and/or talk.
Talk openly and honestly.
There is stigma and shame attached to suicide and your loved one needs to know they can talk to you openly. This will also help you determine if they have a plan so you can pass the information on to their mental health professional. If they do not have a mental health professional, you can consult a mental health profession or suicide prevention hotline for advice.
Don’t lecture or preach.
Suicidal people know already that killing themselves is considered wrong by society’s standards; they do not need to hear it from you.
Talk about thoughts and feelings.
Talking about thoughts and feelings with a suicidal person lets them know that someone is trying understands the pain they are in, the hopelessness and helplessness that they feel.
Help the person focus on solutions.
Talk about how they have coped in the past. Help them increase their understanding of the alternatives to suicide. Evaluate and talk about what is needed to improve the situation.
Seek help.
Do not try to handle the situation on your own! Seek professional mental health help.
Follow up.
Ongoing treatment is essential. Learn the signs and symptoms of relapse and what you can do and what your loved one must do.
Celebrate special occasions.
On holidays, birthdays, and anniversaries (including the date of their loved one’s death), make special plans to provide social support.
Take care of yourself.
Talk to a loved one or friend who cares and can give you the care and support you need.
