By Jennifer Kogan, LICSW, LCSW-C

People say that parenting is like joining the Peace Corps; it’s the toughest job you’ll ever love. However, sometimes it can be hard to love a job that can be filled with so much uncertainty. Am I doing a good job? Is my child okay? Why does my child seem angry, anxious, or scared? What can I realistically expect from my child at this age? How do I get my child to listen to me?

The main thing to remember is to take a deep breath and realize that you are on a path and that we all stumble along the way. The most important thing that you can give your child is you.

Floor Time

Beginning at any age you can set time aside every day to do whatever he or she likes to do. Dr. Stanley Greenspan, a child psychiatrist coined the term “floor time” which means, at least with young kids, that you literally get down on the floor to play together. Here is how it works:

Let your child choose the activity, direct what happens, and tell you what to do. Your role is to follow your child’s lead and actively participate without taking charge. If your child is a little older, you can play a board game, garden, or even cook together. As long as this is time designated for you and your child.

Acknowledge Feelings

When your child is feeling sad, angry, or scared the best gift you can give him is to acknowledge his feelings. This way he can know that it is okay to feel this way and to trust his own experience.

It’s the Behavior, Not the Person

Children take what we say very seriously which is why when we are feeling displeased it is useful to separate out the behavior from the person. For example, saying, “I see a sink full of dirty dishes and food left out to spoil.” expresses your displeasure and gives the child information at the same time. It is much more likely to elicit a helpful response than, “This kitchen is a mess, you are so sloppy!”

Problem Solve Together

Many children respond well to being part of the solution. If you feel that something needs to change around the house (for example, too much dawdling in the morning, needing help with the dishes, or agreeing on an acceptable bedtime) you can find a solution together.

Problem Solving Steps

1.  Sit down with your child and present the situation that has to change.
2.  List possible solutions together.
3.  Write all suggestions down even if some of them seem a little silly.
4.  After the list is complete read it over together.
5.  Pick the solutions that seem practical to both of you.
6.  You can even post the list on the fridge so it can be referred to when needed.

Children are more inclined to follow a plan that they had a hand in creating. When you refer to the list it reduces power struggles since this is a list that you made together.

Notes to Kids

Kids love to get little notes from their grown-ups. Whether you are trying to change a behavior:

“Dear Robbie,
Don’t forget to walk the dog!
Love, Mom”

or make someone feel special.

“Dear Abbie,
Great job on that Biology test!”

A well-placed note is something tangible from you that shows you care.

Catch the Good

Describe what you see when your child take out the garbage or helps out a friend. This way your child can fill himself up with positive, clear images of what he is doing right.

Know Your Child’s Developmental Age Level

There is a great series published by the Gesell Institute and authored by Ames and Ilg. Each slim book focuses on a different year in a child’s life starting at age one and ending at age fourteen. These books describes a wide range of behavior and abilities and can be useful when you have a question or concern. Of course your own pediatrician can also help with information about what is appropriate to expect at a given age.

Make Time for You

It is important to keep your batteries charged by enjoying the things that are important to you. Have coffee with friends, go for a bike ride, or read a good book. In this way you can model for your child that you value and respect yourself. While parenting can sometimes feel challenging if we approach each hurdle from a position of love and respect we are sure to find our way time and time again.

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