By Terri Ferguson, BSW
I remember the first time I walked into a prison to visit my brother who was incarcerated. There was the unfamiliar air of being in a facility that houses inmates and the procedure one has to go through before getting to see them. I had to walk through a metal detector, remove all jewelry, allow the guards to go through my personal belongings in my purse and the absurdity of them checking the food I brought for the day. These are necessary things, mind you, as I was privy to many breaches of the rules.
Waiting to see my brother in prison for the first time was also strange. I did not know if he would be happy to see me or if my visit would cause him emotional pain. As soon as he walked out it was almost like a family reunion. He could not have been happier to see me, but things were different. You have guards watching your every move. The prisoner is used to this type of treatment, but what they are not used to watching is a family member being put through this ordeal. I can only imagine what it must have been like for my brother when my parents came to visit for the first time.
The shame must have been very intense.
As a social worker, I knew it was important that the first visit be positive so that I would be asked to return. It was obvious that my brother was very ashamed for me to see him in this environment. I cannot emphasis enough the need to be accepting of the situation. For the person in prison, acceptance is not a luxury they can wait for over multiple visits. It is devastating for the inmate to have to try and act like they are in a normal environment. It is up to the visitor to make them feel comfortable and know that you are at peace with the situation.
Besides acceptance, food and forgiveness go a long way
One of the best ways to make them comfortable is to bring their favorite food. This may sound odd but, in most cultures, food is what defines a family. Bring more food than you think can possibly be eaten as other inmates, whose families cannot afford to bring food, will be thrilled to have the opportunity to share from your family member. It always made my brother feel good to be able to share so much food and he was most grateful that I would do this for him. It can be the little things that help them get through the visit without feeling the need to apologize for your having to come there to see them.
Never visit an inmate when you are depressed, as this will only add to their state of mind. Remind them of their many wonderful attributes so that shame becomes just another word in the dictionary and not what defines them.
Forgiveness can go a long way when dealing with those who are incarcerated. My brother knew I did not approve of the behavior that got him there, but there was never a time that we spoke about it. His guilt over being there was evident in every letter he wrote me. He would always ask about his family fearing that his wife was not getting along without his paycheck and help with the children. I made a point of seeing his wife and children every other week and they knew they could rely on me for support. One of the most touching letters I received from my brother was when he asked me if I would take care of his family should some natural disaster happen or if his wife lost her job and home. His guilt for not being the man of the house was evident in that letter and I made sure he knew I would do anything necessary to help keep them safe and financially afloat. I cannot stress enough the need for them to know this promise is real, so they have peace of mind. He has thanked me many times through the years for that one singular letter, out of all the letters I sent.
It is important to diffuse any anger the person may be feeling during your visit. There is anger about missing milestones: birthday parties, anniversaries, the birth of a new family member and worst of all, death.
My youngest brother died from a horrible accident while my brother was incarcerated, and my brother was beside himself with grief. Grief for his loss, grief for another brother who was his best friend, but more importantly, the grief he knew my father was feeling. For my father it was the grief of losing yet another son. My brother and I talked about his anger for not being at the funeral and I assured him that it was a beautiful service filled with both tears and laughter.
After that, it was very hard for him to talk about my brother and I let him lead any discussion. Most visits he could not bring himself to mention our brother’s name and I did not either knowing the anger he felt at not being there. He has been out of prison for many years (he was in for three years) and I find it interesting that he can talk about my brother who passed without any misery or anger.
Never visit when you are depressed, and leave on a positive note
Finally, these are the most important things you can do to help your loved one survive: never address the culture shock of his/your being in a prison as this only leads to embarrassment and shame. When they are feeling depressed during a visit, ask them what you can to lessen the pain.
Never visit an inmate when you are depressed, as this will only add to their state of mind. Remind them of their many wonderful attributes so that shame becomes just another word in the dictionary and not what defines them.
Support their good memories in life so that they know there is something to look forward to when released. Promise them there will be many more good memories. One of the best ways to alleviate guilt and shame is to send them money on a regular basis if you can afford to do so. Nothing makes an inmate feel happier than to receive money to buy things that comfort them. It helps them feel loved.
The most important thing you can do is make sure that when you leave you turn around, look back at their face, smile, wave goodbye and let them know you look forward to your next visit.
Terri Ferguson, BSW, is a St Louis, Missouri based Social Worker. With more than 30 years of experience in various fields, including being a counselor at a shelter for battered women in Cape Girardeau, woman’s counselor for the Hope Clinic for Women in Illinois, and spending a decade working for the University of Michigan, Institute for Social Research (ISR) on various studies. Terri recently stepped down as executive director of the Arnold Food Pantry, which is recognized as the largest nondenominational food pantry in the St. Louis area.
