By Margo Kushner, PhD, MSW, RSW
Divorce is often a trying time for all family members. Parents are often stressed about money and worried about the effect the divorce could have on their children; children might worry about the future.
Here are some things that divorcing parents should bear in mind about their changing family dynamic:
1. No matter what happens, you are a parent forever.
2. Try to create new routines, while continuing activities that your children have always enjoyed.
3. Remember to nurture yourself. Go for a walk, have coffee with a friend, or read a good book to relax and regain your energy. It is normal to feel exhausted when separating; and possibly for many months to follow.
4. Avoid putting your child in the middle or using your child as a messenger between you and your former partner.
5. Do not speak negatively about your former spouse to your children or when your children are within earshot. If it is impossible to say anything good about your former spouse, then don’t say anything at all.
The reasons for this include:
- It puts your child in a stressful, no-win situation.
- It can create lifelong resentment not only against the other parent, but also of the parent doing the bad-mouthing.
- Children do not have the emotional maturity to withstand this kind of acrimony.
- Your child’s identity and self concept is based on parental behavior.
5. During the crisis point of separation remember that your children need both parents more than ever. This is not a time to deny access unless it is necessary to do so for safety reasons.
6. If possible it is always best to jointly inform your children you are separating. If this is not possible, consider using the services of a counselor. Counselors can assist both parents with this difficult conversation and provide a safe environment if safety is a concern.
7. Separation is a stressful time for all family members, including children. Accept the fact that a separation involves feelings of loss.
You can expect you and/or your children to experience some or all of the following during the first few months of separation:
- Sleep difficulties: disrupted sleep, an inability to sleep, etc.
- Social isolation
- Anger, intolerance, grumpiness
- Avoidance of divorce related conversations
- Obsessing about the divorce
- Appetite changes
- Feelings of worthlessness
- Tears and feelings of sadness which feel overwhelming etc.
If these feelings and behaviors do not begin to diminish after a few months seek counseling for yourself and/or your children.
8. Pro-actively seek counseling for your children. Many children find counseling very helpful through this process.
9. Children are loyal and protective of their parents. If children are placed in loyalty binds they can experience anxiety. To alleviate their anxiety they may pick a side. If your child engages in picking a side try not to feel rejected.
10. Divorce is expensive. Parents should attempt to reach a divorce settlement between themselves, with mediators, or with lawyers who specialize in family law prior to filing for divorce.
11. Children who experience divorce cope much better than earlier research indicated. It is helpful to keep in mind that children are very resilient.
12. Attempt to move forward with a positive attitude. Try focusing on the good things in your life.
