By Sylvie de Toledo, LCSW, BCD, and Deborah Elder Brown
I live with my grandma because my mom left me on a hotel bench to go get a cup of coffee. You’re not supposed to leave babies by theirselves. – Erica, age seven
Late one Saturday night the phone call came: Leah Croft’s 18-month-old grandson had been left unattended in an apartment. The little boy had tried to feed himself dry oatmeal and had started choking. Someone had called the police, and child protective services had removed the baby from his mother. They wanted Leah to take him in. Leah was already raising her daughter Jill’s six-year-old twins but, because of Jill’s transient lifestyle, had only seen her grandson three times before that night. At 10:30 p.m., Josh arrived in the arms of a social worker. Dressed in a sleeper that had the legs cut off because it was too small for him, he had no socks, no shoes, no bottle, no car seat, and only the diaper he was wearing. The next day was a frenzy. In addition to buying baby supplies, Leah had to find a sitter so she could go to work Monday morning. She had to buy diapers with her credit card because she didn’t have enough cash. No one from social services told her she was eligible for government aid for the baby, and when she called to ask about it, she got the runaround. “For five months I didn’t get one dime,” she fumes. “Not one dime!”
Whether a grandchild arrives in one night or over a period of months, few grandparents plan, anticipate, or prepare for a second parenthood. Your home and lifestyle are geared to adult living. You are not expecting these children or these changes. Instead of one mall baby, you may, like Ivy Johnson, acquire several children at once, all at different ages with different needs. Instead of the assured rights of parents, you may find that as grandparents you have no legal right to care for the children you are battling on all fronts to protect. Moreover, you may find your resources tapped in the process. As a grandparent raising grandchildren, you are facing complex emotional, financial, and legal situations that you are rarely prepared for. You may have to resolve problems overnight that most parents address over a period of months, if not years. While each family has different needs, there are a few things that every grandparent should look into as soon as possible:
Consider other options.
Some grandparents don’t have the health or resources to raise a second family, but they do it anyway. A few, however, have been able to place their grandchild with another family member, perhaps a son or daughter who already had children and was willing to raise this child as well. If you have family members who can help out, you might consider letting them step in or at least sharing the responsibility with them. Parenting your grandchildren not only disrupts your life but deprives the children of grandparents who can spoil them and send them home for their parents to deal with. The children have already lost an important relationship with their parents; now they are losing a precious relationship with you.
Most grandparents, however, don’t have other options, and the majority don’t want to burden their other adult children. Their only choice is to gear up for the changes and the feelings that come along with raising grandchildren.
Keep records.
One of the most important things you can do when your grandchildren arrive is to start taking notes. I know that buying notebooks and pens sounds more like preparation for school than for grandparenting, but when you take in your grandchildren, you become more than a surrogate parent; you become their advocate. You may be the only voice speaking solely for their safety and their interests. The law will protect the parents, the government will protect its own pockets, and you will be the one trying to protect your grandchildren’s rights-in court, in school, and in the welfare system. You are the one who knows that Dad has a drug problem and that the children are being neglected and/or abused whenever they are with him. You are the one who knows that Max throws tantrums in school after Mom comes to visit. Unfortunately; few people will want to listen to the grandparent, which is why you must document everything. The more organized you are, the better your chances that those who listen will believe you.
You will also want to use your notebooks to set yourself up as a kind of central headquarters. Throughout this book you will find lists of the kinds of records you will need to keep: names and phone numbers of attorneys, social workers, and welfare workers connected to your grandchild; the names of their supervisors; and information for school, for doctors, and for the welfare office. The more organized you are from the start, the less crazy you may feel later on.
Remember, the best advocate is an organized one. If you ever need to lock horns with the system, you want to be ready. Keep records of the professionals you talk to and what they tell you. Create a paper trail of letters and documents. Keep dates and times of conversations. Try to write letters when you can and keep copies. Knowledge is power; it may be the only power you have. But nothing you know will do any good if you can’t present it in a clear, convincing fashion.
Sort out the legal maze.
Your grandchildren are family, pure and simple. However, family is also a legal relationship, with rights and responsibilities that can be dictated by the courts. Your rights toward your grandchildren will mostly depend on why they are with you. As soon as possible, find out what your legal rights are in this situation and how you can best protect them. You will probably want to consult an attorney or other legal professional about your individual case.
Look into financial aid.
Raismg children is expensive. Raising children on a fixed retirement income is expensive and stressful. And raising children on a fixed welfare income, as some grandparents must do, can make you crazy. Whatever obligations you feel you have toward your grandchildren, and I know there are many, you do not have an obligation to support them financially. Financial support is a parent’s responsibility. If parents don’t fulfill that responsibility, their children are entitled to government assistance.
Many grandparents are reluctant to look to the government for help or don’t believe they qualify. They have never asked for help before, and the process mystifies them. Still, while government benefits won’t make you rich, every little bit helps, especially Medicaid. As soon as you can, find out what assistance is available to your grandchildren.
Arrange for medical care.
One of the biggest expenses with children is health care. Immunizations and the treatment of colds, earaches, and childhood sprains can add up to a small fortune. Many grandparents are shocked to discover that their insurance companies will not add grandchildren to their policies. However, the children can often be covered by Medicaid. Again, apply early.
Keep medical records.
Accurate medical records can be critical when you raise a child. Few children arrive at grandma’s house with records of any kind, but if you can somehow acquire them, they will make your life easier. For instance, have your grandchildren had all their immunization shots? If you don’t know, you’ll have to start all over. Many grandchildren have had to be reimmunized because of lost records. If the children come to you from a foster care placement or group home, ask the social worker for their medical records. At the very least, try to compile a family medical history based on what you do know about your family. You never know what information could be important later on.
Enroll them in school.
If you can keep your grandchild in the same school or day-care facility, consider yourself lucky. It’s one less change for the child and less stress for you. If not, try to get school records and reports of any special education programs transferred with the child. Special education plans should be transferable to the new school, even if it is in another state. Granted, school is much easier to handle in an intact family that was hit by crisis, like a death, than in a family where the parents were on drugs and the child rarely made it to school. Just do the best you can.
Consider counseling.
Few children are raised by their grandparents for happy reasons. Many grandchildren arrive with emotional, psychological, or behavioral difficulties and/or with physical problems caused by parental abuse or prenatal drug exposure. Most arrive suffering from grief and rejection. If your grandchildren are old enough to talk about feelings and events, consider getting them into counseling. Even if they are too young for counseling on their own, you can work with a counselor on their behalf, learning techniques to help them cope with the situation. I have worked with a number of grandparents to address a child’s temper tantrums or inability to sleep in his own bed. These children have all had their lives somehow shattered. A support group or family counseling can start the process of gluing them back together.
Find your own emotional support.
Raising a second family is stressful and exhausting. It wears on your time, your energy, your finances, and your spirit. Like your grandchildren, you have suffered loss. But you also shoulder the responsibilities. Don’t try to do this alone. Look around at your resources. Who can be your emotional support? Whom can you turn to for help? My parents were fortunate. They never worried about baby-sitters because my brother and I were there, although they did worry about burdening us. Many families really are alone. Perhaps your new circumstances involve your only child, or your other children live far away or don’t support your taking in the grandchildren. If that is true, you may have to look elsewhere for support. Try other grandparents, a support group, or even a therapist to blow off steam, but do look for help.
