By Suze Orman, BSW

After years of conversations with women, Suze Orman, BSW, came face-to-face with a difficult truth: Despite the advancements women have made in society, little has changed in the way many women deal with money. When it comes to matters of personal finance, many women willingly hand over control of their money to the men in their lives. This is a dangerous disconnect.

Below is an excerpt from Orman’s book, Women & Money: Owning The Power to Control Your Destiny.

Why is it that women, who are so competent in all other areas of their lives, cannot find the same competence when it comes to matters of money?

I have asked this question—of myself and others—over and over. Of course, there is no one answer. After much contemplation here is what I have come up with:

The matter of women and money is clearly a complicated issue that has much to do with our history and traditions, both societal and familial. These deep-seated issues are major hurdles to overcome, major tides to turn-and that doesn’t happen overnight. It can take generations to effect change of this magnitude in our daily behavior. We’ll explore these issues in greater depth in the chapters ahead, because they are absolutely a root cause of this problem. But we’ll have to look at this on a behavioral level, too, since traits that are fundamental to our nature clearly affect how we approach money as well.

Consider this: It’s a generally accepted belief that nurturing comes as a basic instinct to women. We give of ourselves; we take care of our family, our friends, our colleagues. It’s in our nature to nurture. So why don’t we take care of our money? Why don’t we want to take care of our money as well as we take care of the spouses, partners, children, pets, plants, and whatever else is in our lives that we love and cherish?

I want you to think about that question. The answer is critical to uncovering what is at work here and what is holding you back. So I’ll ask it again:

Why don’t we show our money the same care and attention that we shower on every other important relationship in our lives?

Because we don’t have a relationship with our money.

Correction: We do have a relationship with our money. It’s just a totally dysfunctional one.

Let me tell you why I say this. Across the board, I see women refusing to engage with their money until they are forced to because of the birth of children, or divorce, or death, for example. In other words, we do not relate to it until we are in extreme, life-changing situations in which we have no choice but to con ¬front money matters. Until then, we don’t apply that same primal, nurturing impulse when it comes to taking care of our money and by extension, ourselves. We can’t even accept this as a fact that our money is indeed an extension of ourselves. Instead, we persist in a dysfunctional relationship-we ignore our money, deny its needs, we are afraid of it, afraid of failing, afraid it will expose our shortcomings, which leads to shame. What do we do with all these uncomfortable feelings? We suppress them, we put them away, we don’t deal with them. It becomes far easier to ignore the money issue altogether. And the longer we ignore it, the worse the situation becomes; we grow even more fearful as time passes that it’s too late for us to learn, too late to even try. So we give up. Who likes a failed relationship? Nobody. Better to have no relationship at all than a failed one ….

But money is not a person you can write out of your life. You need money to live.

So then let’s turn this relationship theory around and ask ourselves the following question: In order to become competent and successful in handling our money, in order to become the fully responsible women we know we should be, what does that require of us?

We have to develop a healthy, honest relationship with our money. And we have to see this relationship as a reflection of our relationship with ourselves.

I can’t put it any more simply or emphatically: How we behave toward our money, how we treat our money, speaks volumes about how we perceive and value ourselves. If we aren’t powerful with money, we aren’t powerful period. What is at stake here is not just money-it’s far bigger. This is about your sense of who you are and what you deserve. Lasting net worth comes only when you have a healthy and strong sense of self-worth. And right now, the money disconnect, this dysfunctional relationship, is a barrier to both.

Once you fully appreciate this and hold it as an absolute truth, you will also understand that your destiny depends on the health of this relationship. Are you honestly prepared to roll the dice on this one, or would you rather feel that you have the ability, the determination, the power to make this relationship work-as surely as you know how to nurture and give care to all the people you love in your life?

How do you repair this relationship?

The same way you would repair any relationship that is dam ¬aged: by acknowledging your mistakes, taking responsibility, and resolving to act in a way that will bring about change for the better. In the case of you and your money, that means making strong money moves, moves with the goal of making you feel more powerful and secure. If you show money the respect it deserves today and carry it through in all your actions, then one day, when you can no longer take care of it, your money will take care of you. Respecting your relationship with money, you see, is the key riot only to your security and independence, but to your happiness, as well.