At the beginning of the pandemic, my son, who dropped out of college, became really withdrawn. He is now threatening to commit suicide. We called a hotline and they suggested family therapy. But my partner, his father, doesn’t believe him. He thinks he’s manipulating us. What can I do to convince him otherwise? Should I seek therapy for just the two of us? Alone? Should we exclude him? – Need Help in Provost, Utah

Dear Need Help in Utah,

Parenting a suicidal child, no matter that child’s age, is one of the most stressful things a parent can do. On top of that, you have the added stress of disagreeing with your husband about the best way to respond to your son’s distress, the fact that he dropped out of college, and confusion about the best next step. Here are some thoughts:

1. The first thing to focus on is your son’s suicidal thoughts.

The fact that your son disclosed her suicidal thoughts to you is a sign that he sees you as a source of safety or comfort or support. All of those are good things. Keeping the lines of communication open is key in reducing suicide risk. Research on Attachment-Based Family Therapy found that when parents and their adolescent children were able to talk about the things that got in the way of them talking about suicide and other important topics, youth reported fewer suicidal thoughts.

2. Sometimes kids can identify what started the suicidal thoughts and sometimes they can’t.

If you can talk with your son about what makes things worse for him, you can come up with a plan to make things better. If he doesn’t know, you can still talk with him about things that seem to temporarily reduce his distress related to the suicidal thoughts.

3. Find out what your son does all day.

Adolescents and young adults can find great comfort and connection on social media. But for those who are suicidal, looking up ways they can kill themselves or hanging out on websites that encourage suicide can increase the likelihood that they’ll die by suicide.

Research shows that thoughtful monitoring of youth decreases suicide risk. It doesn’t necessarily increase their reasons for living but it reduces the likelihood that they will kill themselves.

4. Encourage your son to see an individual therapist.

There are probably things going on that have nothing to do with his suicidal thoughts that he would benefit from talking through.

5. Let your husband know that he might be right.

Your son might be saying he’s suicidal just so you’ll pay attention to him. But if he is that desperate for you or someone else to pay attention to him, isn’t it worth it? The alternative is that his son kills himself and then your partner spends the rest of his life wishing his son was around so he could pay attention to him.

6. Find out what your partner’s goal is.

Does he want your son to go back to college (or at least want to go back to college)? Does he want him to get out of the house and get a job? Does he just want him to stop talking about being suicidal?

It is possible that your son wants the same things, but they aren’t able to communicate that to each other. Whatever your partner wants, tell him that you’ll find a family therapist who will talk about those things. A good family therapist will spend the first session figuring out what the family goal is. At the end of the session, the three of you will leave with something positive in common, as opposed to just conflict and disagreement.

7. Find a group of people that you can talk to, especially parents whose kids have been suicidal.

Peer support is invaluable. Support can be found through local chapters of the National Alliance on Mental Health, Depression and Bipolar Support Alliance, and community groups like YWCA and YMCA, or your local faith community.

Finally, remember that most young people who struggle with suicidal thoughts go on to live happy and fulfilling lives.

Sincerely,
Jonathan B. Singer, Ph.D., LCSW

National Association of Social Workers member Jonathan B. Singer, Ph.D., LCSW, is Associate Professor of Social Work at Loyola University Chicago, past President of the American Association of Suicidology, and coauthor of “Suicide in Schools: A Practitioner’s Guide to Multi-level Prevention, Assessment, Intervention, and Postvention” (Routledge, 2015).  He is the author of more 75 publications, and his research has been featured on NPR, BBC, Fox, Time Magazine, and The Guardian. He lives in Evanston, IL with his wife and three children and can be found on Twitter as @socworkpodcast and Facebook at facebook.com/swpodcast.