I’m an IT professional who works mainly from home, especially during the pandemic. My boss has become very demanding. He sends emails early before work, saying he wants to make sure I login on time. He will email me throughout the weekend about assignments, even those these are days off and I keep him updated on the status of my projects, which are not behind schedule.

When I ask for early time off to do activities with my kids or cook for them, even though I have vacation leave to take, he will respond by saying “Don’t you have a wife to do that?” and make snide remarks about my manhood.

His behavior was a little controlling before the pandemic but now that we work mainly at home it has gotten worse. I love my job and coworkers and need the paycheck but what can I do?

– Boss Malfunction in Tempe, AZ

Dear Boss Malfunction in Tempe:

First off, let me say I’m not offering a clinical or legal opinion.  I will say I’m so sorry you are experiencing this. It sounds like your supervisor is micromanaging and very intrusive, both annoying and frustrating, but perhaps not actual bullying. Behavior is bullying when it is severe, pervasive, and harmful to targets. The snide remarks about your manhood or marital status are out of line.

Your very complex question requires a complex answer.

• Is there an employee assistance program at your place of employment? That might also be a good place to start.
• Have you attempted a conversation with your supervisor? That might be the first step. Is your supervisor aware that his behavior bothers you? Tact, diplomacy, and timing will be essential for this difficult conversation should you attempt to try it.
• What about the vision, mission, and values of your organization? Does your supervisor’s behavior align with these or not? Discrepancies here may provide another avenue for conversation and/or grievance. Are there policies related to respect of workers?
• Have you experienced physical or emotional harm from supervisory behavior? If so, this could become an employer liability for damage to health.
• Is your workplace unionized? Union reps can be great advocates.
• Are you an exempt or non-exempt employee? An exempt position might require after hours work tasks, including weekend hours. A recent study by Dr. Gary Namie (2021) conducted by Zogby, strongly suggests that bullying has become worse during COVID and teleworking. I’m sorry that you are among those for whom work life is worse, not better.
• How much autonomy does your official job description allow? If there is a disconnect between your job description and reality, you might have some room for negotiation.
• Be sure to keep good notes of incidents, including time and date when offending behavior occurs. Keep these notes separate from your work materials, and do not create them with a work computer, or store them on work software.

Existing laws do protect workers from harm to health or civil rights violations. Unfortunately, few states have laws that protect workers from the types of behavior you describe.

It might be helpful to examine your state labor laws. Although becoming litigious is not the first option to consider, it may be an option. Be aware that a lawsuit could be lengthy and expensive. You’d likely need to pay a retainer if an attorney agrees to take your case.

Finally, although you may love your job, your colleagues, and your income, you may not be able to make this go away without a job change. This is one of the most difficult dilemmas an employee can face. Unfortunately, far too often keeping a job and truly making the bullying stop are incompatible.

Although U.S. laws simply do not go far enough to prevent bullying, social work as a profession could be a great source of advocacy.

Sincerely, 
Judith Geneva Balcerzak

National Association of Social Workers Expert Judith Geneva Balcerzak, PhD, MSW, LCSW, has worked as a clinical social worker for over 40 years. Licensed in California since 1981, she has spent decades working in health care in the public and private sectors. Balcerzak’s professional history includes the development of the Human Services Degree and Certificate Program at Ventura College; teaching in the Marriage and Family Therapy master’s degree program at California Lutheran University in Thousand Oaks; teaching in the psychology and sociology departments at Ventura College; the creation and management of a nonprofit counseling program; and extensive expertise in providing clinical supervision to interns and trainees. She is author of the NASW Press book Workplace Bullying: Clinical and Organizational Perspectives.