Introduction
In the 1950s, the typical family consisted of Mom as the homemaker, Dad as the breadwinner, and two children, became the traditional American standard. Since then, society has changed and so has the family. Women have more options for choosing when and how many children to have. The head of the household today may be a single father, a grandmother, or a teenage mom.
Family life never seems to run as smoothly as it was portrayed in the 1950s’ TV sitcoms. The fast pace of life, high divorce rate, rising inflation, and job demands tax parents, often to the limit. But parenting help is available from more sources than ever before. With help, both traditional and nontraditional families can create a secure and supportive home life from which children mature into successful, productive adults.
In a newly blended family, the merging of two parents, children, pets, and the emotional baggage from previous relationships can create a stressful home. Many stepparents fantasize that family members will bond instantly into a cohesive unit that will heal a family torn apart by death or divorce.
In reality, it often takes years for stepfamilies to create new family traditions and to build loving relationships. Some stepchildren, especially teenagers, may never develop a close relationship with their stepparent.
Some of the common problems that stepparents experience include conflicts over child discipline, dealing with former spouses, and worry about how their children will adapt. Children may feel divided loyalties between the biological parent and the stepparent, have rivalry with stepsiblings, and struggle with belonging to two households with different rules and expectations.
Stepparents who take a realistic view of their new situation can build a stable, happy home with time. Be patient and talk with other stepparents who can be a source of support. Social workers can help family members deal with various lifestyle and relationship adjustments when two households combine into one.
Single Parents
The single parent home can be a result of loss from separation, divorce, or even death. In addition, some people are choosing to raise biological or adoptive children as single parents from the beginning. Instead of two parents making the family decisions and sharing the responsibilities, the single parent carries the burdens—and the joys—alone. The parenting and household responsibilities can seem overwhelming at times.
Single parents and their children need time to adapt to the new situation and in situations of loss of any type to grieve for relationships that have ended. Encourage children to talk about their feelings or to speak with a teacher, mentor, or other family member about their loss. Shield children from arguments with a former spouse, and avoid confiding in them about adult responsibilities and issues. Parents often find it helpful to seek outside support to discuss their own feelings and find strategies to cope with single parenthood.
Although the single-parent household has a unique set of challenges, single parents can build a strong, stable, and nurturing environment in which their children thrive. The Parents Without Partners Organization provided these suggestions for single parents.
- Focus on the benefits of single parenting. Children often feel less stress after a divorce if their parents’ marriage was full of conflict.
- Avoid moving children immediately to a new neighborhood or school. Too many changes in a child’s life can be extremely stressful.
- Establish firm, clear boundaries for children and provide consistent discipline.
- Communicate with children about where they will live, when they will see the other parent, and what they will tell their friends.
- Avoid putting children in the middle of an argument with the former spouse by asking them to take sides.
- Do not set time limits for yourself or for your children on how long it takes to adjust to the new situation.
- Develop a reliable support system of people who can offer emotional support, childcare, companionship, and help in emergencies.
- Seek help if necessary. Help is available through community support groups and single-parenting programs. Social workers and counselors can provide valuable guidance and professional advice.
Grandparents Raising Grandchildren
More than 2.4 million grandparents are parenting a second time around, and for many different reasons. A parent may be unable to care for children due to financial pressures, illness, or other life hardship. Some grandparents rescue their own grandchildren from entering the child welfare system when the children’s parents cannot care for them because of alcohol and substance abuse, incarceration, domestic violence, or divorce. Grandparents give of their time and money raising grandchildren.
When grandparents step in to help the family, they may not receive the same state financial support that foster parents receive. Therefore, many use their retirement savings or limited income to pay for the children’s necessities. The children may not be eligible for health care under the grandparent’s insurance policy due to legal issues.
The emotional burden can pay a heavy toll. Grandparents put their lives on hold, and many lose friendships due to the commitment of raising children who may have been traumatized and are angry and confused by the turmoil in their lives.
As the number of grandparents raising their grandchildren increases, so too do the options for community resources, particularly in social services organizations. Grandparents may need help finding financial resources, assistance with special-needs children, legal resources and advice, and support groups. Social workers can help provide some solutions to make the job of parenting a second time a little easier.
Gay and Lesbian Parents
Families headed by same-sex couples can provide children the same nurturing and healthy environment as heterosexual parents, according to the American Psychological Association.
In fact, despite concerns about children’s welfare in LGBT families, studies show that children of gay or lesbian partners have normal relationships with peers and experience no developmental delays or any known negative effects within the family.
Children’s experiences outside of the family are a different matter, however. Students of lesbian or gay parents are victims of harassment and bullying at the same rate as students who are gay themselves. These children are often the target of ridicule due to prejudice and intolerance in the classroom and neighborhood. (For more information on bullying see Tips for Parents Dealing with Bullying.)
Their family situation may also subject them to a higher standard of success in school and social situations. Any weaknesses or flaws could be perceived as a result of having parents with an alternative lifestyle.
Although special challenges for children of gay or lesbian parents may be almost inevitable in our society today, LGBT parents can find resources to help children cope. Becoming involved in support groups with others experiencing similar problems can help them feel less isolated. Social workers can also help locate community resources for parents and provide counseling for children who are teased unfairly for their parents’ choices.
Teenage Pregnancy and Parenting
While most teenage girls are focused on fashion, friends, and high school homework, each year, nearly 1 million teenagers, age 15 to 19, become pregnant. More than 400,000 babies were born to teenagers in 2002, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention.
The news of a teenage pregnancy can be a shock for the young couple and for their parents. The pregnant teenager and her parents may grieve, realizing that their dreams for the future will change. Although a majority of teenage mothers complete high school, they are less likely than other teenagers to go on to college.
While the parents may be embarrassed by their daughter’s pregnancy, she may feel terrified at the idea of becoming a mother too soon. Pregnant teens need their parents’ support at this time more than ever; and the family may need outside support to deal with the emotional and physical aspects of pregnancy and parenting.
As teenage mothers and fathers soon discover, parenting is a huge responsibility. Teens may have unrealistic expectations about caring for a baby, and often experience frustration and resentment. Teenage parents are at a higher risk for abusing and neglecting their babies. Social workers and counselors can help the family make important decisions and deal with emotional issues and lifestyle changes that come with having a new baby in the family. Social workers can also counsel teens about the importance of pregnancy prevention if this is needed.
Adoption
When deciding where to adopt a child, prospective parents must consider their ideal age of the child, the amount of contact they want with the birth parents, the nationality, race, and other characteristics of the child, adoption fees, and the waiting period prior to adoption. The National Adoptiona Information Clearing House (NAIC) offers useful guidelines for prospective adoptive parents.
When parents bring home their new adopted bundle of joy, they often experience ambivalent feelings. Although they are excited to finally have a new son or daughter, they grapple with feelings that biological parents do not share.
Birth parents have the duration of the pregnancy to think about the birth, parenting issues, and a pending lifestyle change. Adoptive parents, however, often do not want to get their hopes up about raising the baby, only to be devastated if the birth mother changes her mind, or if the adoption process fails. In many states, the birth parents have several months or even up to a year to change their minds about the adoption. Adoptive couples may have only a few days to prepare for the homecoming, and have to come to terms with feelings and issues after they bring the new baby or child home.
While adoptive parents are learning how to change diapers and cope with a colicky baby, they may also still be struggling with feelings about their infertility problems and their lost dream for a biological child. New parents also worry about what the child will look like, whether the child will be able to relate to them, and how friends, neighbors, and others will react, especially if the child is from another culture.
Older children from another country may speak a different language and will require an acclimation period to become comfortable with their new culture. It is recommended that adoptive parents teach children about their birth culture and foster an interest in foods, celebrations, and holidays from that culture to help youth develop their sense of identity.
Foster Parenting
Foster parents open their home to children and commit to providing protection, guidance, and nurturing for children who have entered the foster care system but who are not in their custody. The process of becoming foster parents typically occurs after foster parents complete a home assessment process and attend training. They must demonstrate that they are responsible and financially and emotionally stable.
When a child arrives, the foster parents have a challenging task. In addition to helping the child become acclimated to the family and neighborhood, they must also address the child’s special needs; find medical or mental health professionals to help with problems; work with the social agency that placed the child; and find needed support and services in the community.
Foster parents receive a monthly reimbursement that varies in amount by state to help offset the costs of food, clothing, and other necessities. Medical care and counseling services are provided for children at no charge to foster parents.
Parenting Styles
Researchers have outlined three different parenting styles: authoritative, permissive, and assertive. Parents generally do not fall into only one category, but may change styles depending on the circumstances.
Authoritative parents value obedience and order. They tend to set strict rules and give children commands, allowing little room for choices and freedom of expression. Under this parenting style, children are more likely to become followers and depend on others for making decisions. They may also rebel strongly to strict rules and become defiant. While some choose this method, research indicates that it is important that children be allowed to make some choices for themselves.
On the other hand, permissive parents set too few rules and guidelines. They rarely enforce rules and provide little structure for children. Although this style allows children to be self-expressive, they may feel insecure because they don’t know where their boundaries are, and they often have difficulty accepting responsibility.
Finally, assertive parenting provides children with appropriate guidelines. Parents are firm and consistent with rules and expectations. At the same time, children are allowed to make choices while parents help them realize the consequences of their choices and actions. Children of assertive parents are more likely to be responsible and independent, make wise choices, and have the ability to deal with resentment and anger constructively.
Promoting a Healthy Family
What does a healthy, close family look like? Here are 10 characteristics provided by the University of Missouri Extension. Healthy families:
- Spend quality time together
- Are committed to one another; are proud to belong together; and show appreciation for each other
- Share responsibility by participating in decision-making
- Communicate effectively by listening and encouraging each other to share in conversation
- Plan for change by being flexible and adaptable
- Balance home, work, and outside activities
- Build connections with other people, especially grandparents and other relatives who can offer support.
Many parents say that parenting is the most challenging job they have ever had. It can be a life-long venture and new problems continually crop up as children grow. But parents never have to carry the responsibility alone. Parenting resources and professionals are available through social services agencies, hospitals and health care clinics, faith-based organizations, state programs, universities, schools, and the Internet. With information and support, parenting can also be one of the most rewarding experiences life offers. If you are struggling with a parenting issue, reach out in the community and find the assistance you need.
