By Peggy Levinson, LCSW
You celebrate when your child receives a college acceptance letter or gets the first job they’ve been hoping for after high school. Furniture is passed on, new sheets are purchased, and you help them move into their new apartment or dorm room. A last kiss on the cheek, a long hug, and then you’re back on the road, going to an empty home. After eighteen-plus years of being a mother or a father, that first step into a childless home can be many things: heart-rending, challenging, exciting or perhaps just lonely. What do you do now?
All parents may one day have to confront the silence of an empty nest. And yet, we know that mothers and fathers deal with the experience in different ways. Fathers, who may have been more removed from their children’s lives due to their careers, tend to want to establish a closer relationship with their grown children. Mothers, on the other hand, who may have had an intimate relationship with their children, see a lessening of their roll as family caretaker; suddenly there are no varsity games to attend, no more PTA meetings, less laundry in the hamper, and more quiet, free time.
Women many times react positively to this change. Perhaps they choose to get a new job, or revitalize their circles of friends or engage in a hobby that has interested them their entire lives, but to which they’ve never been able to devote adequate time.
Couples Reevaluating Their Lives
But an empty nest causes mothers and fathers to reevaluate their lives in different ways, and it’s not uncommon for marital tensions to escalate. Searching to infuse a new purpose into their lives, the father may discover a renewed interest in familial bonds while the mother realizes the satisfaction that can accompany her own job, hobby or meetings with friends. Either spouse may look for attention or excitement outside the marriage in an extra-marital affair. Unfortunately, these new stresses can sometimes lead to separation or even divorce.
How can a couple best handle these matters? Talking to a family therapist can help resolve marital tensions. While couples only have to experience that first step into an empty nest once, therapists spend their entire lives working with couples and individuals as they decide how to confront the next phase of their lives.
How a Therapist Can Help
By helping couples understand that men and women respond to this situation in different manners, a therapist can act as a neutral mediator, provide a safe environment for discussion and aid in opening the couple’s lines of communication. For a couple, this understanding can potentially lead to mutual respect and appreciation as they embark on a new, exiting era of their lives. There are many highly qualified licensed clinical social workers available to provide family therapy. They have special training and expertise in counseling couples.
Kissing your child on the cheek and giving him, or her, a strong hug is an end of one portion of your life. But that first step into your empty home doesn’t have to be purely upsetting or saddening. That step can be viewed as the beginning of a new, satisfying period for a couple, filled with shared appreciation and excitement.
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Read more articles by Peggy Levinson at claytontherapy.com.
