By L.B. (LeslieBeth) Wish, Ed.D, MSS

Why are the siblings so important in approving your choice of mate? It’s easy to sweat out meeting the parents. Parents and their attitudes toward future sons- and daughters-in-law will always be important, but siblings’ attitudes have been rising in significance.

Siblings Are Forever

Friendships come and go. Siblings usually stay forever. They know you now, they knew you then. When siblings are close, they can look out for each other in ways that parents can’t.

For example, it’s far easier for an adult child to share their intimate relationship problems with a sibling instead of a parent. Siblings, regardless of ages, often stay in touch more frequently. They seem more like co-equals and may not activate the complexity of feelings toward parents—especially if the parents divorced.

Siblings expect each other to be in their lives longer than parents, so siblings may invest more in these relationships. We all have needs to attach, belong and be known—and siblings are the perfect people to provide these needs. It’s no wonder that siblings’ impressions count! Sometimes, however, having future sisters-and brothers-in-law can create problems.

During divorce, siblings often band together, confiding in each other and relying on each other for support. In families of divorce, often there is a child who becomes a designated parent. This sibling’s opinions can come to be more important than the parents’.

Common Siblings-in-law Problems

• The new spouse feels left out of activities, conversations and rituals.
• You may not like one or more of your siblings-in-law.
• You don’t know what to do when a sibling-in-law does something that bothers you.

Tips to be a Good Sibling-in-law

• Accept that your siblings-in-law might never be your next best friend. Aim instead to get along.
• You don’t have to like someone to be kind and cordial.
• Reign in your jealousy over your spouse’s connection to this sibling. They existed long before you. If their parents have been divorced, they might have formed an even stronger bond.
• Spend some time with your sibling-in-law. Go to lunch or an activity they like.
• Remember their birthdays and their likes and dislikes.
• Choose your battles. Don’t get upset over the small stuff.
• If larger issue comes up (like being drunk, borrowing money not returning it or being rude you), ask your spouse for ways to handle it.
• Spend your time getting solution-focused and NOT on re-hashing the problem.
• Take your time to get the lay of the land before you start complaining.
• Don’t fight your partner’s sibling problems for them. Instead, ask your partner how he or she feels and whether they would like your help.