By LeslieBeth (LB) Wish, Ed.D, MSS
 

	Introduction
	Top Relationship Problems When Women Make More Money
	Solutions: How to Create a Happy Family Life When Women Make More Money

 

Introduction

Women now comprise more than fifty percent of the workforce. In many medical and law schools, they outnumber the men. Women have also made big inroads into other fields such as management and architecture. Approximately one third of women earn more than their husbands, according to 2006 Bureau of Labor Statistics report.

When women make more money than their partners, however, problems can arise that produce difficulties in behavior, feelings and thoughts.

Top Relationship Problems When Women Make More Money

1. The power of the money creates power—or at least the sense of it—so thoroughly that money and power become two sides of the same coin. Although the flip sides of the coin are money and power, the coin itself is made of respect—which is ultimately what the women want. Unfortunately, many women don’t know that respect is the root. Instead, they seize decision-making with little input from their partners.
2. Social recognition and being in the limelight are instant benefits that can become as addicting as acquiring more money—and therefore power. In Chaucer’s “Canterbury Tales,” the answer to the question, “What do women want?” is power. Having power is not necessarily a bad thing—it all depends, of course, on how it is used.
3. Many women hope that money will finally arm them with control—over life and men. They believe the income provides coequal footing in decision-making in major family matters such as which home or car to buy.
4. However, many strong, financially successful women are later shocked to find that the money, limelight and power has not freed them from shouldering the emotional responsibility of the relationship. Even when Dad stays home with the kids and/or works out of the home, many professional women find themselves unable to come home at night and reproduce a typical male scenario—say hello to all, mix a drink and tune out in front of the television set.Many successful, working and professional women—especially those who are mothers—still come home to a second career far more than they thought they would had they not become successful and busy in their careers. Women still tend to be the ones to initiate discussions about the relationship, family, inlaws and children. One of the leading causes of dissatisfaction in dual career marriages is the struggle with the lack of enough fluidity in gender roles.
5. When women make more money than their husbands, they tend to be more likely to divorce. If the relationship is not a happy one, these women are more able to walk away because they can support themselves financially. However, problems arise if there are children and the women must pay child support to the husband. Some women rethink divorce because they resent paying this money.

Solutions: How to Create a Happy Family Life When Women Make More Money

1. Don’t equate income levels with respect. All partners require MUTUAL respect in a relationship, regardless of who makes what. This respect invites lower earning men to have an equal say in major family decisions, regardless of whether the issue involves money.
2. Delegate family responsibilities to ALL able family members. Women especially should avoid the trap of “Well, I guess I’ll just have to do it myself.” There is no room for martyrs and grumblers. With your partner and family, develop household chores and the consequences of not doing them. For example, if Tommy doesn’t wash the towels, then you should deny him something important to him—like being on the Internet. You should also require Tommy to wash the towels and do the dishes for the next week.
3. Don’t expect perfection or “your way or the highway.”
4. Set up an ASK and TELL box in the kitchen where people can write out their weekly complaints or problems in general. (If a child can’t write, have an older sibling or Dad write it for them.) For example, one child might ask to change her chores. Another child might tell that he had an argument with a kid at school. Select a meal time or time before a favorite television show to talk about the things in the box. Ask everyone to help problem solve. Make it fun. Remember, families can benefit from the procedures or rules of business—but families are not little businesses.
5. Make “romance dates” with your husband.
6. Review in your mind why you fell in love with this man in the first place.
7. Use your time more wisely at work. Learn to say no and don’t take on projects that you shouldn’t. Managing your work load will help with home management. You will have more time and energy.

My findings of about 375 specifically interviewed women, plus more than 600 women who have attended workshops, lectures, courses and/or therapy, have revealed the following:

1. Women often feel guilty about making more money. when women make more money, they often feel guilty and might hand over the management of money to their husbands to boost the men’s feelings of still having a role in monetary decisions.
2. They tend to resent the financial burden of “carrying” the family.
3. They feel they don’t get enough help around the house.
4. They see divorce as a way to happiness.

What many of these women don’t know is that the underlying engine that drives these issues is often their resentment that they still have to manage the EMOTIONAL aspect of the relationship too. Some women are surprised that controlling the purse strings did not exempt them from relationship management. They still find themselves initiating important conversations about feelings, children, household, the relationship, money, inlaws and step-children. The hope was that if they were managing the finances, he would manage the rest. But the role reversal of traditional roles didn’t happen!

So, what’s a woman to do?

1. Talk about setting up a method where EACH spouse is responsible for bringing up “hot topics.” No subject should be off the list. Some of my research participants and client arrange a night out at a restaurant to discuss their issues. The public setting prevents outbursts.
2. Couples often discuss the possibility of further education and training for the husband’s career.
3. Household chores are divided up not only between spouses but also children. How to decide who does what? Consider age of the children, desire/ability, including time and practicality, of the spouse to do the chore. Give up the notion of “even-Steven’s regarding the chores each person does.
4. DON’T threaten divorce—unless you mean it. Assume that the two of you can work it out.
5. Women should include their husbands in major and minor decisions. Men want to feel effective, needed and wise. Just because they don’t earn as much money doesn’t mean they don’t have a valuable contribution to all kinds of decisions.
6. Be sure to thank each other frequently for their help.

###This article first appeared in www.helpstartshere.org, the award winning consumer Web site of the National Association of Social Workers.  To read more articles by Dr. Wish on this site, please click here.