By Brenda Rodstrom, MSW, LCSW
Holidays can be great. Family, friends, parties, and pretty decorations. But for single and divorcing parents, they can be challenging.
One divorced mother I know said that from Thanksgiving to New Year’s she wanted to hide in a closet. It’s hard enough to split custody during the year, but holidays remind her of how good things used to be. And the holidays when her kids are with her ex can be painful.
Change of Plans
My friend Christine’s ex-husband, Steve, planned a ski vacation with their teenage children. Per the divorce agreement, Steve was to pick the kids up on Christmas Day and return them to Christine on New Year’s Eve. Christine invited her sisters and parents to spend Christmas Eve with her and the kids. She planned to spend New Year’s Day quietly with the kids.
A week before Christmas, Steve called to announce that he could only get plane tickets on Christmas Eve and New Year’s Day. Christine thought long and hard. She could easily have enforced the agreement, but her kids were looking forward to the ski trip, and they really couldn’t get plane tickets any other time.
She decided to take the high road and put her kid’s happiness first and she let them go. She did read Steve the riot act, as did her lawyer in a letter citing his disregard of the custody agreement.
Christine spent Christmas Eve at her sister’s house. It wasn’t the Christmas that she had planned or hoped for, but felt glad that her kids holiday wasn’t ruined by a feud between their parents.
Holiday Tips
The holiday blues are part life after divorce. What can you do to make the most of a bad situation? Here are a few ideas.
- Acknowledge that the holidays without your kids are going to be different.
- You can celebrate most holidays on any day. Don’t let the calendar steal your happiness.
- Make your own traditions; celebrate holidays your way. Think Friendsgiving or New Year’s Day brunch. Get creative and have fun!
- Plan some self-care while your kids are away. Rest, go for a jog or walk, get a massage, etc.
- Spend time with other single parents, friends and family.
- Plan something special to do with the kids when they return.
- Take a short trip with a friend or visit relatives.
- Volunteer activities are abundant this time of year. It’s in keeping with the spirit of the season, and it will keep you busy.
- Know that “This, too, shall pass.” The kids will come home, and normal life will resume.
Brenda Rodstrom, LCSW, works extensively with single mothers, stepmothers, and members of stepfamilies. She is the founder of Stepfamily Dynamics Counseling and Coaching, which takes a very individual and results oriented approach to its clients. Ms. Rodstrom also teaches professionals her approach to working with stepfamilies and is available for speaking engagements.
