The Myth
- We only grieve death.
- People should leave grief at home.
- We grieve in slow predictable pattern.
- Grieving means letting go of the person who died.
- Grief finally ends.
The Reality
- We grieve all losses.
- We cannot control where we grieve or what will trigger our grief.
- Grief is an uneven process with no timeline.
- Grieving means going on with our life; while mainting memories, connections, and feelings of grief and loss.
- Over time, most people learn to live with loss.
Normal Reactions to Loss
Grief is a highly individualized experience that varies depending on who we are, whom we have lost, and how the loss affects our daily life. Grief is not only an emotional response to death or other loss. Typically, we also experience physical, psychological, spiritual, and behavioral reactions. Some of the immediate reactions may include, but are not limited to:
- Emotional: Feelings of shock and relief
- Physical: Shortness of breath, numbness, listlessness, feeling empty, chest pain, loss of energy, confusion
- Cognitive and Behavioral: Denial, disorientation
After the immediate shock, some later reactions may include:
- Emotional: Anger, fear, guilt, panic, loneliness, depression
- Physical: Lack of energy, chest pains, fatigue, tension
- Behavioral: sleeplessness and withdrawal or sleeping too much, overeating, substance use such as sleep aids, drugs, alcohol
Reactions to Sudden or Traumatic Loss
When a death is sudden, unexpected, or violent, and may have been caused by an accident, suicide, or homicide, the grieving process becomes more complicated. The family struggles with trying to make sense of the death and often searches for answers. The grieving process may take longer as family members experience fear and anxiety, guilt over what was done or not done, and anger due to feeling helpless and powerless.
Individuals may feel worse pain months or a year following the loss as the numbness that helped to protect them immediately following the death is gone and the loss is fully realized.
Anticipatory Grief
Grief can begin long before the death of a loved one when life-threatening symptoms first appear, particularly in cases involving cancer, AIDS, or other long-term illness. Anticipatory grief does not replace the grief that loved ones experience after the death. Grief reactions may include feelings of sadness, depression, and anxiety as family members consider questions such as, “What will I do?” and “How will I live?”, or “How can I go on?”
Conflicting studies research the question of whether the opportunity to grieve before the death lessens the length of bereavement after death or eases the pain of grief. Since grief is so complex and an individualized to the person experiencing grief, it is difficult to provide a definitive answer. Many factors affect the grieving process, including the nature of the relationship, the manner of death, and other factors.
Unresolved Grief
People who experience intense grief for an extended length of time or depression, substance abuse, or post-traumatic stress disorder in reaction to the death have unresolved or complicated grief. Grief counseling or support groups are often helpful in these cases. Counseling or group support is used to help the mourner experience, express, and adjust to painful grief-related changes and emotionally separate from the loved one and go on with life. Many times talking to others who have experienced a deep, personal loss such as the death of a loved one can help someone cope with grief.
Grief in the Workplace
Most employers provide two or three days of bereavement leave to allow time for family members to make funeral arrangements and attend services. Grief does not end with the funeral, however. In fact, it is often just beginning. Some companies are now offering grief counseling for bereaved employees and sensitivity training for their co-workers. Counseling helps the bereaved to work through their grief and training helps co-workers to understand what the bereaved are experiencing. These services will be particularly valuable as the Baby Boomers age and cope with the loss of their parents or spouses.
Sources:
- AARP
- Hospice Foundation of America
- National Cancer Institute
- National Hospice and Palliative Care Organization
- U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, Human Resources and Services Administration
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